Cute And Barfy

This, I already know.
This will not follow a linear path of thought.

Most of what I want to blog about, I end up thinking about first, while driving, or in the shower, or basically doing anything that prevents me from being able to blog as I think it.

Initially, when thinking on my next blog (aka this one)
I was going to start off by cursing you for reading. No, no. Not you. You.
And often times I start off with exclamations of "Jesus Christ!"
But, I try to limit that, as some might take offense.
And then I though about how a week ago instead of "Holy Jesus!" I had said "Holy Cheese Puffs!"
Which started me thinking about different... variations, as it were.
This led me to wonder.
Why do so many people say "Cheese and Rice!"
Wouldn't it make more sense to say "Cheese and Mice!"
No? Pity.

See.
This has nothing to do with my initial reason for blogging.
Partly because my train of thought is ridiculous, and partly because I think that the longer I put it off, the better I will be able to word it. Or, on the other side, the less likely I will post it at all.
Either one would be okay with me.

But since I'm here, looks like it's getting posted.

So why the cursing?

Do I write this like no one is reading?
Or do I write it, like everyone, including you, is reading.
Bah!
Fine.

So I'm a bit smitten.
Which, I'm not gonna lie, I decided to research on Dictionary.com and Thesaurus.com before using.
And while I had an inkling in the back of my head, I most definitely did giggle out loud when Dictionary.com confirmed that it is a derivative of Smite.
Oh yeah.
I love the English language.

But again, I digress.

So I geek out at the little things.
Similarities that are so subtle you almost don't notice.
They make me giddy.
 Keep Calm.


I'm smitten. Just a lil.
This is nothing new. It happens. It's a part of who I am.
But nonetheless, every time, it frightens me.
And why shouldn't it?
Everything new is always so deceptive.
Not intentionally, it's just how it works.
Bugger that.


Ahhhahaha. Oh wow.
I was debating on writing how my heart tends to move faster than my head would prefer.
This concept put an image in my head.
It's like those water-skiers out on the rivers and lakes and such.
Except it's my heart that's driving the boat, and my head that's on the skies.
And my head is in no way a professional. Just scrambling to keep a hold on the rope.
And really, the heart isn't actually friends with head. It just pretended to be, to prank the head later on.
You can see where this is going.

Good thing I'm not afraid of water.

 

Expletives!
I'm completely bonkers. Yeesh.


I'm sorry.
I think too much.
I am way too insecure.
I'll be better in the morning.

I am destroyer, I am lover.

Life Is Like A T-Rex

I keep meaning to write, and then life happens.
Sometimes it's legitimate, sometimes I put it off because I can.
Either way, I know if I let it go any longer I'll fall back into not writing a blog.

I'm behind on my dreams as well, but I've at least taken notes.
Just nothing coherent enough to publish yet.

Jenny Owen Youngs happened. I believe that's where we left off...
It was glorious.
It was Aaron's first you-have-to-buy-a-ticket-to-get-in show.
There was an opening band. Well. Half of a band.
New Empires, I believe?
From Australia. Their other half was still in Australia.
I chatted them up. It was lovely.
I love accents.
And of course.
I got a hug from Jenny. I'm all about the hugs.
She is an amazing artist, I'm glad I saw her perform.

And even better, glad that I got to see it with Christine, Sam, and Aaron.
Nostalgia.
Going to shows, and seeing Christine on a regular basis... I most definitely miss that.

This whole weekend was filled with nostalgia.

Fancy bowling was fancy.
New faces, old concept. And new name, "Spiffy Bowling."
However, I drunkenly documented that well enough on Facebook.
So we'll just leave it at that.


I am so unbelievably content with life right now.
I am also unbelievably frightened.
And yes, I say this pretty much every other month week.

I think I am just perpetually waiting for the Other Shoe.

I seem to have this issue for accepting life for what it is.
I talk the talk, sure.
But deep down I still freak out.

Everything contradictory, I am.


I don't have things figured out.
Once upon a time, I was close.
Real close.
But that window closed, and now I wait til it's warm enough to open up another.

Waiting can be daunting.

Especially when an unexpected relationship springs up.
By no means is this a bad thing.
Just.
There's just so much.

It's too new to look too far ahead, and yet.
How else can I figure out my life, and all things it includes, without looking ahead?
Contradictory.

One day at a time.
One.


Yes, I am aware you are reading this.
And yes, behind this calm and awkward demeanor I am silently freaking out.
Contradictory.


But right now I am happy.
Most important of all, I am happy.
Thank you.

Dear February, I Love You.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE BUT I AM EXCITED.

There are so many confusing things happening.
I think they are all good.

But right now, I know this:

I am going to visit Christine today, a friend who I haven't seen in AT LEAST 5 years.
Probably longer, but shh.
A cute boy has decided to tag along.

(I am very much okay with this.)

And we are going to see Jenny Owen Youngs.
We will probably be disapproved by Delilah the bunny.
And there might be some Firefly action.

Then.
Tomorrow.
I get to dress up. Like really, truly, dress up.
To go bowling.

I love the concept of dressing up. But I always feel awkward.
Because I am not a dressy uppy type of person.
So to dress up, for awkward reasons, well... I'm right at home, then.
And I get to be with some pretty splendid company, too.

This whole weekend is a win.
And this whole week has been a win.
Actually. This entire month started off pretty full of win.
Dear everyone: THANK YOU.


P.S. For the next... nineteen days, I am officially up to date on my monthly mixes.
I'll just leave these right here...

knowing, without knowing. from meganagitor on 8tracks.

two cups discord, one teaspoon holidays, and a pinch of cheer. blend well. from meganagitor on 8tracks.

Strength in numbers. from meganagitor on 8tracks.

Seriously. Where Are The Dinosaurs Hiding?

Well, then.
I haven't been dreaming as vividly the past few days, so I don't have as much to write about as far as my dreams go.

But I was thinking on it, and perhaps I still am dreaming.
Because I'm pretty sure these things don't happen in reality.
Or at least not my reality.
Though if I'm dreaming, I think I might be okay with staying asleep.

However, I digress.

I had my little moment on the pedestal, regarding proper dates and the like.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing the work.
I think a guy should be worth fighting for.
But it's also a two-way street.

A street that I don't seem to be on, often.
This isn't a ploy for pity. I may not have found a knight in shining armour, but that doesn't lessen the people I've met or the experiences I've had.
I've just always wanted to.. see what's on the other side of the wall, I guess.


Obviously past boyfriends and... etc, have left something to be desired given my current situation.
But that doesn't mean they were entirely at fault.



Quite frankly, as much as I'd like to be fought for, I'm not sure I'm worth the fight.
I'd like to think I am.. so.. moreso I'm just worried that I'm not, I guess.
I'd hate for someone to go to all the effort to "woo" me, and then be like.. "...the fuck is this?"
I don't want to be the human equivalent of a Cracker Jack box.


That being said, yesterday completely baffled me.

In a good way.

I think.
But now I am completely and utterly disoriented, because these sorts of things don't happen.

So I'm just waiting for the dinosaurs to come out and start attacking folks.
Then I'd know for sure I was dreaming.
And it would all make sense.


Until then, just ignore the crossbow and grenades I'm carrying.
They're not for you, they're for the 'raptors.

Who Wants To Cuddle?

Again, I've been writing about my dreams almost every day.
(Because I've been having dreams almost every night.)

But it's so hard to write about what you are doing, when you are already busy doing it.

I've been having an off and on rough time with Alex (through no fault of his own).
But I think I'm finally surpassing that little blip on my radar.
Ironically enough, with his help.

Which.
I have the greatest friends ever.
And I keep meeting more.

Dear everyone in my life right now: You Rock.


So, my laptop is officially (mostly) fixed.
As long as it is plugged in, it turns on, and has a working operating system, and functions as laptops should.
Now if only I could figure out what is wrong with the battery/port area. Without having to spend more money.


In other news, I realized that I haven't been on a "proper" date in quite some time.
However, I use "proper" loosely.
There was a debate had about how if it's proper, then the gentleman pays.
Hey, if he wants to, sure.
But for me specifically, what's been lacking is the gentleman planning the date.
I can pay for myself. But I always end up picking out something to do.
Me, of all people, making the decisions. Ha.
Mostly because if I don't do it, it won't happen.

Just once.
Well.
More than once, hopefully. But for starters, just once, I'd like to be surprised.
Tell me what day to keep free, tell me what attire to wear, tell me what things to bring or not bring.
And show me the rest.

Also, I'd like some cuddles.
That'd be nice, too.



Ironically enough, I think I'm developing a bit of a crush.
Stupid brain.
Ah well. We'll see how that goes.

Equally perplexing, is I took a gander at my stats for this page and something in particular caught my eye.
One particular section on the page lists "search keywords" which I take to mean as people who searched for those particular keywords found a link to my page, and checked it out.
Perhaps I am wrong.
Given the one listing under search keywords thus far, I think I must be.
Because "justin bieber evil laugh" is what appears there.
Uhm.
What?

So yeah.
For now I will just leave you with this video, because I'm in fucking love with this song at the moment.
And It has NOTHING to do with Justin Bieber, or Evil Laughter, thankfully.


 Don't listen to a word I say! Hey!

Dreams Vs. Reality

I've actually been doing a better job at keeping my dream blog updated, than this one.
Three nights in a row, I've determined when I get home I will post an update.
And three nights in a row, surprise! It doesn't happen.

A few times, I solely wanted to write, to vent.
I've been mad at myself, for my emotions.
I can't control them, I understand I can't, but I dislike it nonetheless.
But as I am typing this, I don't have the momentum in me anymore to vent.
Another day, perhaps.
Ha! Perhaps?!
It's inevitable.
It is the highest amount of impossible, for me to keep my emotions and misconstrued over-active brain in check.

But for now, a few things of notable mention:

I posted on twitter about a fascinating article and video involving a record player "playing" a tree's rings.
Besides posting to the public, I added Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman to it as well. Given their numerous tweets, it seemed something they might be interested it.
I don't know what I actually expected. I figured, if they weren't over encumbered with everyone else in the world that tweets at them, they might read it. Perhaps they might even share it.
I wasn't far off.
Amanda Palmer took my message in its entirety, added her own little comment, and re-posted it.
I don't care how much of a fan-girl this makes me, but I most definitely squee'd.
No, she didn't reply to me directly.
But she took the time to read something I thought she might find interesting, and she found it interesting enough to share.
So I am allowed to squee, damnit.

Earlier in the week, my ex-aunt-in-law? slash friend of the family came over for dinner. She commented on a piece of art that is hanging in our living room.
This one, to be exact:

(The post-it reads: "my mind is not strong enough to keep these thoughts out of my head")
It was my 20th birthday present, from my parents.
Her commenting on it caused a chain reaction, which ultimately led me to dig out other works I have by Kurt Halsey, stored away from when I moved home from Chicago.
Not for lack of wanting them, but so many still need to be framed. So for now, they stay safe in a storage bin.
However, it was a wonderful little trip down memory lane, seeing the pieces that spoke to me and the memories that accompanied them.

Last, but not least, I have finally taken steps on the trek down Doctor Who lane.
Long ago, I made it my goal to start from the beginning - well, initially, the 2005 beginning.
I watched the first episode, and most of the second but it was late and night and I dozed off before the ending.
For the next few days, I kept it in my mind, to watch the last bit of the second episode and continue my journey.
However, it got pushed to the side, and for a short while forgotten.
But! No longer!
I've resumed my adventure, and couldn't be happier about it.
The going is slow, as I have to juggle other aspects of my life, but slow is better than stagnant!
Next up, "Dalek"

Eep!

Clever Girl

Once upon a time, I had the best job ever.
Well. Theoretically.
I worked at Reckless Records.
It wasn't high-paying, but I was happy.
It was the least stressful job I ever had.
However it wasn't enough to keep me within the claws of a grasping Chicago economy.
So I had to move back home.

But to this day, I am proud to have been a part of it.

So when I saw this:
Happy Endings: "Makin' Changes"

I about pee'd my pants.
About six and a half minutes into the show, one of the main characters friend's is shown, and he is wearing a Reckless Records T-shirt.
I jumped out of my seat.
I know it was only something small, but I will always be grateful for that job, and that experience.

So for my sake, go watch that video while it's available. And do a happy dance when you see the Reckless T-Shirt.
And maybe even laugh and enjoy it, because it IS a comedy.


In other news, at the rate I am going I doubt there will be a day I won't have a dream to write about.
Although I wish today the entry would have been blank.
I understand the irrationality behind most dreams.
The worst dreams are the ones that take my fears in real life, and incorporate them into something worse once asleep.
I already know in real life, that my thoughts can be on the ridiculous side. That I think too much, and I fret too much.
I know this all too well.
But then for these thoughts and fears to be sucked into my dream world, where the fantastic happens on a regular basis...
Not cool, brain. Not. Cool.
I don't expect my dreams to be all rainbows and unicorns.
I have my fair share of ravenous dinosaurs quite regularily.
But I would rather dream of a Velociraptor tearing my arm off, than to have my real life fears amplified while asleep.


I can't wait for this roller coaster to take on more passengers.
It's far from over, but at least there will be a small reprieve before it starts the next loop.

Patience, Young Padawan

This felt appropriate, for many reasons.
Plus it's nice to include a picture once in a while.

Looking at past blogs, I've found many things I could bring into this one as topics.
But I don't feel motivated to.

Getting this back up and running, and once again attempting to log my dreams, has left me feeling strangely accomplished.
So minute, but so meaningful.
But now I'm at a loss for words.

(Ha. Impossible, I know.)

If anyone is still keeping tabs, yes, I did finally get my Mirrormask tattoo.
And I still yearn for but am deathly frighten by the day when I move away from everyone I love.
Being alone, is a terrible feeling. Being alone surrounded by others is much worse.

I went to California in July to watch my brother marry the one person I've met who shows promise at handling his "charming" qualities.
And I am so proud, because of it.

And jealous.

I mean, I love my brother, immensely. And I am so happy for him.
But more and more that seems further from reach for me.
I know I am just going thru a phase, and it will pass.
But every time he checks on me, offers to help me.
It comes back. I appreciate his help, and heavens knows I need it.
But what can I do in return? What do I have to offer him?
He is a better brother, than I am a sister.
And a better husband, than I can even be a girlfriend.
We are so similar, and yet so completely opposite.

But enough of that.
I have my struggles.
My love life, my career, my living situation.
But I'm still content.
I have great friends, and although some opportunities are less available than others, I know they are still out there, and I am still seeking them out.
I used to say this all the time, when I would be chided for running late: "You can't rush awesome."
But all kidding aside, it's still true.
I can't just sit and let everything pass me by. But I can't force things to happen, that aren't ready to happen.

And so it goes.
I will patiently pursue a better life.
And one of these days, I hope to be granted such.

Revival and Renewal

The key here, is to be terse.
Unfortunately, a quality that I am highly lacking.

This blog has been abandoned for almost seven months.
Hmm, no.
Not truly abandoned, and definitely not forgotten....
Neglected, more like.

I'm here to remedy that, once again. Hopefully.

Little by little.

Part of me wants to summarize the past seven months, and part of me wants to start with the past seven days.
But right now, neither of that will happen.

At the moment I have two... nay, three goals.

One- Reviving this blog. Slowly, but surely.
Two- Renewing my interest in documenting my dreams. Now in Delicious Blog Form!

And Three- I've more than a few monthly mixes I've left by the wayside.

So here's a few:


June:

all the movements and the moments in the music... from meganagitor on 8tracks.

July:

distance aside, it remains the same from meganagitor on 8tracks.

August:

growing up was never my forte from meganagitor on 8tracks.

I think that's a good start.

oh lordie.

i've all but given up on this site, it seems.
but.
i mean.
social life? or blog?
until i learn to manage the two together, i'm sorry but social life will win.
cause i have been meeting SO MANY amazing folks.
and i wouldn't trade it for the world.
i can't even describe how wonderful of a feeling it is.

hmm what else...
so much has happened i don't even know what to say.
i feel like i need a theme song comparable to that of big bang theory

uhh.

i am still working on california.
it has been a roller coaster
kinda going, maybe not, set a date, oh wait not yet, maybe going, and right now no fucking clue.
ha. maybe it'll change within the week.
i just hope that if i figure out i'm going, i figure it out more than a week before.
and as much as i want this to happen
i can't think about it
because i start to stress at all the people i have to say goodbye to
okay. end of that or i'm gonna do it again.

also.
car wreck, totaled.
still suck at bass.
mirrormask tattoo delayed by car wreck, but it'll happen by the end of july.
new car found, 2 months later.

and let's see. looks like i missed posting about 3 monthly mixes.


march:




april:



may:



have fun with that?

there are things i am horrible at

this would be one of them


that's all i really wanted to say.

i do intend on updating
as a lot has happened
but right now i would rather eat lasagna
and take a nap
it's been how long anyway?
a few more days
or months
won't hurt anyone

i promise

if memory serves me... wait what? i like pudding?

who am i kidding!
but it's okay
i was going to wing it, anyway.

i know this gets old
but i am unbelievably happy with my life right now
and
well looks can deceive.
especially if i'm at work.
at work, true, i go thru the motions
but that's because i know better waits for me elsewhere
in many places
and many forms

i have a bass to come home to!
[and a cat. and family. of course.]
i have great friends!
[old and new]

just a reminder, in case you forgot

which! i've finally named him!
caspian. [or cass for short.]
any day that i don't play him,
i feel sacrilegious...
i'm in love.


so i've been attempting to multitask
on a few different [minute] projects
and
one. well. two of which are presents.
i think it's safe to post the one that's finished.
as i'm pretty sure the person it's for doesn't even know this blog exists.
but even so, it'll be delivered tomorrow...
i suppose a disclaimer wouldn't hurt though
IF YOU SEE THIS BEFORE TOMORROW IT'S YOUR FAULT SO YOU BETTER ACT SURPRISED
<3
okay i think i covered my bases

so yeah. i drew that.
with a pencil.
the full size scan looks a lot better than on here
and the original obviously looks a lot better than both
but yeah.
i don't really draw very often.
i have to be looking at whatever it is i'm drawing.
and i have to have a lot of time and patience.
so.
i'm kind of proud of this.
i know it's not great
but given how little experience i have in drawing
to me at least, it's great
and, hopefully
the recipient likes it as well...

other than that
i know i save some things from the last blog
to talk about this time
and. memory failed.
the only thing i can remember.
is i got the new bayside album, 'killing time'
and i've been making myself hoarse singing along to it

and, it's only appropriate that i included one of the songs from it
on my monthly mix
that's right.
the monthly mix.
and only a day late.
or technically. 2 hours late.
yay!

so.
enjoy?



also, that's not johnny cash on there
those are my buddies!
pretty good, no??

just like a kitten.

so much.
there is so much.

i initially figured that since i've procrastinated enough already
i'd just wait til my end of month mix was due
before i did another post
since it's already been so long
but there's just so much.

i'm probably going to become redundant in saying this
but i'm okay with it
ALIVE
i still am
and i still feel it
and it's great

despite the complications
i am unspeakably happy
with the people that are in my life right now
some have been for quite some time
others, are new arrivals
and i welcome them with open arms

if i actually believed in regret
i may or may not have regrets later on
but
since i don't
i think it'll all work out
one way or another


on a side note
holy postage batman!
i completed my massive valentine's day event
sent out well over 50 valentines to those willing to divulge their addresses
and good gracious
if i didn't break 100 in costs
i sure came close
postage alone was over 80
so
as enjoyable as the task was
it will NOT be a reoccuring event
not like that

i also went out with a friend
the night of
i based my outfit around my socks

there was thai food, followed by drinks at the bier stube
go figure it was a monday night
and do you know what monday nights are at the bier stube?
karaoke nights
somehow
i was tricked into singing
but you know what?
i did it!
and, i didn't even pee my pants!
granted, i wasn't wearing pants....
i don't see it happening again in the near future
but maybe the later future
as i did survive
and it was maybe a smidgen of fun


and finally
[at least for this post]
meet my new baby!!!

he [i'm about 82% sure he's a he] doesn't have a name yet
but you can't force things like these

i went to music-go-round
with every intention of LOOKING at a bass or two
but no intention of BUYING one
not yet, at least
but then
they put him in my hands

and.
well.
it was love.
like when i got my kitty.
once i picked her up
i couldn't put her back down
not until i knew she was mine


so yes
i'm giddy in all sorts of ways
people
musics
BASS
musical people
love
it's amazing

my cat eats hearts. or loses them.

either way, that's not good.
this:

is what i bought.
and proceeded to display on my window.


this:

gives you an idea of what's left.
not much.
the big'n's are just all cat hair'd up and lying on the ledge.
BUT.
the itty bitty hearts? GONE.
COMPLETELY GONE.
i don't know what's worse.
the idea that they are somewhere throughout the house.
or the idea that she ate them.

sigh.

other than my cat's shenannigans
i'm happy.
a lot.
i've lost [a significant amount of] weight.
not 4872937592 lbs, mind you.
but enough for me to feel like i am going the right direction.
exercise, healthy eating, will power FTW!

and then there are other things
that involve happiness.
but the way i tell stories?
that would be a long story.
and to be honest, not all of the story is mine to tell.
so instead.
i will sit here.
and smirk.
and be happy.
and be alive.
ALIVE.

a feeling i hadn't realized i was missing
until i got it back
and you know what?
i don't ever want to lost that feeling again.
and i ESPECIALLY
do not want to lose it without realizing it.


to top it off
i vaguely recall
making a semi-resolution about monthly mixes.
well.
it's a week late.
but.
here's one for january?

THIS is how my brain works. are you sure you know me? are you sure you want to?

sometimes i wish i could directly blog from my thoughts.
but i would probably frighten all of you
i often get distracted by the night sky
the vastness of it, the clarity
the infinite amount of stars...
i may be 25, but i still wish upon stars

so okay. this probably sounds normal so far.
just wait.

as the rhyme goes [as i know it]
'star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight
i wish i may, i wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight'

normally, if i see a star, and i KNOW it to be the first star i see, i make a wish.
but recently
i've been having this internal debate
because sometimes, if i don't know which star it was i saw first
i won't make a wish
and sometimes i think,
i won't make a wish because they are probably over burdened with wishes from everywhere
but then i wonder, if maybe it's offensive NOT to make a wish
that they NEED wishes.
yes, i said they.
maybe i have neil gaiman and stardust to blame for that
but if so, only a smidge
but anyway
thus the dilemma rages
so to quell it, at least temporarily
there are days i make serious wishes, and there are days that i make not so serious ones
not ridiculous, mind you
but. ones that, mean less.
i guess that would be the best way to put it.

and this, is what i mean.
who thinks like this?

i mean.
who spends that much time
debating on what is least likely to offend stars
when it comes to making wishes?



and i think
well. at least i don't hallucinate.
or do i??

one of my coworkers started hallucinating at work
beginning of the shift, fine
then came "sorry if i make any orders wrong, my vision is messed up"
an hour or so later "were you just back here? no? i think i'm seeing things..."
two thirds of the way through our shift "what is that fat b* doing with her pants down out there?" ...but there was no one outside
by the end of the shift? "there's a truckload of buffalo out there!"
those are just the main points.
needless to say, that last few hours i was just counting down the seconds until other people started showing up and my shift was over...

but the progression of him aware of hallucinating, to him not realizing what the hell he was saying?
i started to doubt my own reality.
for him to not realize that what he said made no sense
or that what he saw was just in his head
what if i was actually the one hallucinating?
what if i couldn't tell what was actually going on around me?
but this has gotta be one hell of a hallucination to be this long...

the unspeakable. or i just forgot...

so. i guess i sort of had two unspoken resolutions.
one i'm doing well on so far
the other not so much.
i need to take more photos with my digital camera, rather than my phone camera, this year...

especially since my digital camera, while still very minimal, has way more nifty little options than my phone
and also, i want to blog more.

ha.

guess which one i'm doing better on?

yeah. not so much the blogging. YET.

other than that, i HAVE been making progress.
i started [minimally] putting together valentines.
let's just say it's a good thing i have a month still...
i've worked on a few of the mixes i've been meaning to..
i started zumba last week [every thursday!]
i try and "run" [aka elliptical] every day other than zumba..
but so far every day means last wednesday, and then yesterday and the day before.
but i'm getting there. and i plan on keeping it up.
i have a gym pass damnit!

i've been told, that the date to keep in mind is valentine's day.
who knew?!? ;)
but if you can keep your resolutions going that long, you've got a good chance of keeping it up
kinda like saying when you go vegetarian, that if you can make it the first week, you can make it forever. [so far, that is true!]

speaking of valentines... if there is anyone reading this
[who isn't already on facebook, etc...]
and likes valentines day
or candy
or glitter
or snail mail
[really, you HAVE to like at least one of these, if you're a real person]
 okay. so i admit. i just recently was reminded [upon cleaning my closet], i apparently had a year where i hated valentines day.






















but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still give me your address!
i will send you some love!
[i can easily direct you to fb or my email address for less stalkerish happenings]


i can't help but be excited.
this is my favourite holiday...
but boy do i have my work cut out for me...

good thing i have support!

or maybe not...

resolutions, revamped.

so.

i had decided that when i got back from my new years festivities, that i would rewrite my resolutions
in a more serious and sober fashion
because i would like to revamp some, and add in a few others
well.
i got distracted by a few things...
the massive amounts of clothes i discarded from my closet [i am proud of myself!]
assassin's creed [in my defense it is one of my resolutions!]
and work. [BLAH]

so anyway
we shall try again

• first and foremost, i want to reinvent myself. not change who i am. but be more me. if i want to do something, do it. sing without worrying that i'm out of tune. buy an outfit that catches my eye without worrying whether or not it is 'my style'. and get FIT. healthy. comfortable with myself. i have no numerical goal. i have an idea. but really, it's about how i feel, not how many pounds i drop. and who knows what number corresponds to that.
• second, there's san diego. i WANT this to happen. and really, i think i NEED this to happen. i need a change of scenery. i need to snap out of this complacency, and get motivated. and i know just moving somewhere else won't fix it. but i'm prepared not to screw this up. so the biggest hurdle at the moment? saving money to make it happen THIS YEAR. but i WILL do it.
• third, valentine's day! it is my favourite holiday for being what it is. i like christmas, sure, because i get to see my family. but i like valentine's day for what it's about! LOVE. you don't need to be married, or dating, or any of that nonsense, to enjoy valentine's day. because MORE than ONE person can love you. and THEY DO. besides significant others, there are FRIENDS and FAMILY. so why not celebrate that love? and i will. and i will share it. by sending cute little cards and possibly candy to everyone i have an address for. that being said, as soon as i complete this blog, i will get off my ass and start collecting addresses so that this valentine's day can be EPIC. well. or at least splendid.
• fourth. mixes, mixes, mixes. i owe a lot of mixes to a lot of people. some expected and some not. i would like to make that happen. my biggest goal [probably] would be to get one to Matthew Gray Gubler, possibly as a birthday present. AND. for him to actually listen to it. [and hopefully, like it] that, out of all the mixes i wish to accomplish, is the least likely to go smoothly. but i will attempt it, and that is the most important part. there are others, and i could list them, but some our surprises. so i will just be silent, and leave them as playlists on itunes.
• fifth. actually, more mixes? in a different sense. i would like to try to make a general mix and the end of each month, and [if i can find a way] post it for the public. worse case, i could use 8tracks. which is actually an awesome site. but it limits me to only 8 tracks. so if i can find a way to be more authentic to my style i will. but either way, i will get off my ass and make a monthly mix for everyone. yay!
• sixth, more video games. sounds kinda ridiculous, i know, but i have all these games that i love and yet still i rarely play them? so i want to fix that. but in a responsible way. i will not let it get in the way of exercising, work, or a social life. in essence i just want to feel like i got my money's worth.

alright. i think that sums up the important stuff.
there may or may not be other things i wish to accomplish, but i really think that in one way or another,
that anything i may have left out actually can correlate with at least one resolution already up there.
and if not, oh well.
i can't remember the last time i made an official new years resolution list.
so six is just fine.

time is running out for us, but you just move the hands upon the clock

4 more hours
here's to 2011

i'm ready for a change
but i'm not naive enough to think that a change in digits
will bring that about

by the way, it's kind of hard to write a semi-serious blog amongst the company of friends...
caleb: "ryan, should i use science to freeze my margarita?"
[the night thus far...]

but i digress
i agree with the blog of miss Fabulous Lorraine
i am not scared to speak my goals out loud
if i am going to be 'jinxed' it will happen regardless of what amount of people hear my goals
i feel that by proclaiming what i want of myself and my life
i HAVE to accomplish it

so here goes
i AM GOING TO move to san diego
i AM GOING TO find a job in the music/television industry
i WILL be happy in what i do

that's the gist of it for now
it's more than that, obviously
but there are drunks here
and drinks that need to be drank

one must oblige, sometimes.

flying pancakes? FWAP.
they do not stick to walls, in case you were wondering


OKAY
before i forget

a few resolutions i'd like to make now, before i get distracted

+ i want to get FIT [not skinny. but HEALTHY]
+ i want to save enough money to make san diego happen, THIS YEAR
+ i want to organize contacts so that this years valentine's day is successful!

and here's a few less "important" ones [by other's standards, at least]
+ play more video games. i have a ps3, damnit
+ make a mixtape and mail it to Matthew Gray Gubler. [and for him to actually hear it! and love it!]
              + and also for cecily whose is past due. and wingwong. and many others

okay too many distractions.

CHEERS!

orange crush

some time ago, i dreamt about a kid i knew in high school
more specifically, a kid i had a crush on, in high school
then, i thought, hey!
google knows everything!
maybe he's on facebook!
fail, and double fail.
end train of thought.

until about a half hour ago.
i'm out at the bars with my brother
[the only time i go to the bars here, mind you..]
and right before we leave, in he walks.
the kid.
[or at least i'm 97.4% certain it was him]
but
we were in the process of leaving
and i only knew him casually back in the day
so did i say hi?
not a chance.
fail, and double fail again.
[oh. and he's still not findable on google/facebook]

oh well.

do i really need to tie myself down with the people in this area any more than i have?
i thought the goal was san diego.
SAN DIEGO.

so it must be a sign.

he's still cute though.


not as cute as Panda Bieber though!

this is what happens when your brother gives you a panda hat
and the movie theatre has a life-size cut-out of justin bieber.


no i was not drunk.

'twas the night before christmas...

i decided to put my halloween costume to use!
it seemed like the perfect fit for the night before christmas pajamas!
can you see my excitement?!?


which, you can't really tell in that picture, just how much i am getting into the christmas spirit...
first, there was the green:

then came the red!

final outcome:

just add snow, and it's CHRISTMAS!

okay, i think that's enough of me.

christmas at our house, sans me:

if you look out the window close enough, you may find yourself gazing upon the top half of our penguin TOTEM POLE.
yes.
i said TOTEM POLE.
i love my family.


alright. i should probably get to sleep before santa gets here!