Patience, Young Padawan

This felt appropriate, for many reasons.
Plus it's nice to include a picture once in a while.

Looking at past blogs, I've found many things I could bring into this one as topics.
But I don't feel motivated to.

Getting this back up and running, and once again attempting to log my dreams, has left me feeling strangely accomplished.
So minute, but so meaningful.
But now I'm at a loss for words.

(Ha. Impossible, I know.)

If anyone is still keeping tabs, yes, I did finally get my Mirrormask tattoo.
And I still yearn for but am deathly frighten by the day when I move away from everyone I love.
Being alone, is a terrible feeling. Being alone surrounded by others is much worse.

I went to California in July to watch my brother marry the one person I've met who shows promise at handling his "charming" qualities.
And I am so proud, because of it.

And jealous.

I mean, I love my brother, immensely. And I am so happy for him.
But more and more that seems further from reach for me.
I know I am just going thru a phase, and it will pass.
But every time he checks on me, offers to help me.
It comes back. I appreciate his help, and heavens knows I need it.
But what can I do in return? What do I have to offer him?
He is a better brother, than I am a sister.
And a better husband, than I can even be a girlfriend.
We are so similar, and yet so completely opposite.

But enough of that.
I have my struggles.
My love life, my career, my living situation.
But I'm still content.
I have great friends, and although some opportunities are less available than others, I know they are still out there, and I am still seeking them out.
I used to say this all the time, when I would be chided for running late: "You can't rush awesome."
But all kidding aside, it's still true.
I can't just sit and let everything pass me by. But I can't force things to happen, that aren't ready to happen.

And so it goes.
I will patiently pursue a better life.
And one of these days, I hope to be granted such.

oh lordie.

i've all but given up on this site, it seems.
but.
i mean.
social life? or blog?
until i learn to manage the two together, i'm sorry but social life will win.
cause i have been meeting SO MANY amazing folks.
and i wouldn't trade it for the world.
i can't even describe how wonderful of a feeling it is.

hmm what else...
so much has happened i don't even know what to say.
i feel like i need a theme song comparable to that of big bang theory

uhh.

i am still working on california.
it has been a roller coaster
kinda going, maybe not, set a date, oh wait not yet, maybe going, and right now no fucking clue.
ha. maybe it'll change within the week.
i just hope that if i figure out i'm going, i figure it out more than a week before.
and as much as i want this to happen
i can't think about it
because i start to stress at all the people i have to say goodbye to
okay. end of that or i'm gonna do it again.

also.
car wreck, totaled.
still suck at bass.
mirrormask tattoo delayed by car wreck, but it'll happen by the end of july.
new car found, 2 months later.

and let's see. looks like i missed posting about 3 monthly mixes.


march:




april:



may:



have fun with that?

resolutions, revamped.

so.

i had decided that when i got back from my new years festivities, that i would rewrite my resolutions
in a more serious and sober fashion
because i would like to revamp some, and add in a few others
well.
i got distracted by a few things...
the massive amounts of clothes i discarded from my closet [i am proud of myself!]
assassin's creed [in my defense it is one of my resolutions!]
and work. [BLAH]

so anyway
we shall try again

• first and foremost, i want to reinvent myself. not change who i am. but be more me. if i want to do something, do it. sing without worrying that i'm out of tune. buy an outfit that catches my eye without worrying whether or not it is 'my style'. and get FIT. healthy. comfortable with myself. i have no numerical goal. i have an idea. but really, it's about how i feel, not how many pounds i drop. and who knows what number corresponds to that.
• second, there's san diego. i WANT this to happen. and really, i think i NEED this to happen. i need a change of scenery. i need to snap out of this complacency, and get motivated. and i know just moving somewhere else won't fix it. but i'm prepared not to screw this up. so the biggest hurdle at the moment? saving money to make it happen THIS YEAR. but i WILL do it.
• third, valentine's day! it is my favourite holiday for being what it is. i like christmas, sure, because i get to see my family. but i like valentine's day for what it's about! LOVE. you don't need to be married, or dating, or any of that nonsense, to enjoy valentine's day. because MORE than ONE person can love you. and THEY DO. besides significant others, there are FRIENDS and FAMILY. so why not celebrate that love? and i will. and i will share it. by sending cute little cards and possibly candy to everyone i have an address for. that being said, as soon as i complete this blog, i will get off my ass and start collecting addresses so that this valentine's day can be EPIC. well. or at least splendid.
• fourth. mixes, mixes, mixes. i owe a lot of mixes to a lot of people. some expected and some not. i would like to make that happen. my biggest goal [probably] would be to get one to Matthew Gray Gubler, possibly as a birthday present. AND. for him to actually listen to it. [and hopefully, like it] that, out of all the mixes i wish to accomplish, is the least likely to go smoothly. but i will attempt it, and that is the most important part. there are others, and i could list them, but some our surprises. so i will just be silent, and leave them as playlists on itunes.
• fifth. actually, more mixes? in a different sense. i would like to try to make a general mix and the end of each month, and [if i can find a way] post it for the public. worse case, i could use 8tracks. which is actually an awesome site. but it limits me to only 8 tracks. so if i can find a way to be more authentic to my style i will. but either way, i will get off my ass and make a monthly mix for everyone. yay!
• sixth, more video games. sounds kinda ridiculous, i know, but i have all these games that i love and yet still i rarely play them? so i want to fix that. but in a responsible way. i will not let it get in the way of exercising, work, or a social life. in essence i just want to feel like i got my money's worth.

alright. i think that sums up the important stuff.
there may or may not be other things i wish to accomplish, but i really think that in one way or another,
that anything i may have left out actually can correlate with at least one resolution already up there.
and if not, oh well.
i can't remember the last time i made an official new years resolution list.
so six is just fine.

time is running out for us, but you just move the hands upon the clock

4 more hours
here's to 2011

i'm ready for a change
but i'm not naive enough to think that a change in digits
will bring that about

by the way, it's kind of hard to write a semi-serious blog amongst the company of friends...
caleb: "ryan, should i use science to freeze my margarita?"
[the night thus far...]

but i digress
i agree with the blog of miss Fabulous Lorraine
i am not scared to speak my goals out loud
if i am going to be 'jinxed' it will happen regardless of what amount of people hear my goals
i feel that by proclaiming what i want of myself and my life
i HAVE to accomplish it

so here goes
i AM GOING TO move to san diego
i AM GOING TO find a job in the music/television industry
i WILL be happy in what i do

that's the gist of it for now
it's more than that, obviously
but there are drunks here
and drinks that need to be drank

one must oblige, sometimes.

flying pancakes? FWAP.
they do not stick to walls, in case you were wondering


OKAY
before i forget

a few resolutions i'd like to make now, before i get distracted

+ i want to get FIT [not skinny. but HEALTHY]
+ i want to save enough money to make san diego happen, THIS YEAR
+ i want to organize contacts so that this years valentine's day is successful!

and here's a few less "important" ones [by other's standards, at least]
+ play more video games. i have a ps3, damnit
+ make a mixtape and mail it to Matthew Gray Gubler. [and for him to actually hear it! and love it!]
              + and also for cecily whose is past due. and wingwong. and many others

okay too many distractions.

CHEERS!