Patience, Young Padawan

This felt appropriate, for many reasons.
Plus it's nice to include a picture once in a while.

Looking at past blogs, I've found many things I could bring into this one as topics.
But I don't feel motivated to.

Getting this back up and running, and once again attempting to log my dreams, has left me feeling strangely accomplished.
So minute, but so meaningful.
But now I'm at a loss for words.

(Ha. Impossible, I know.)

If anyone is still keeping tabs, yes, I did finally get my Mirrormask tattoo.
And I still yearn for but am deathly frighten by the day when I move away from everyone I love.
Being alone, is a terrible feeling. Being alone surrounded by others is much worse.

I went to California in July to watch my brother marry the one person I've met who shows promise at handling his "charming" qualities.
And I am so proud, because of it.

And jealous.

I mean, I love my brother, immensely. And I am so happy for him.
But more and more that seems further from reach for me.
I know I am just going thru a phase, and it will pass.
But every time he checks on me, offers to help me.
It comes back. I appreciate his help, and heavens knows I need it.
But what can I do in return? What do I have to offer him?
He is a better brother, than I am a sister.
And a better husband, than I can even be a girlfriend.
We are so similar, and yet so completely opposite.

But enough of that.
I have my struggles.
My love life, my career, my living situation.
But I'm still content.
I have great friends, and although some opportunities are less available than others, I know they are still out there, and I am still seeking them out.
I used to say this all the time, when I would be chided for running late: "You can't rush awesome."
But all kidding aside, it's still true.
I can't just sit and let everything pass me by. But I can't force things to happen, that aren't ready to happen.

And so it goes.
I will patiently pursue a better life.
And one of these days, I hope to be granted such.

THIS is how my brain works. are you sure you know me? are you sure you want to?

sometimes i wish i could directly blog from my thoughts.
but i would probably frighten all of you
i often get distracted by the night sky
the vastness of it, the clarity
the infinite amount of stars...
i may be 25, but i still wish upon stars

so okay. this probably sounds normal so far.
just wait.

as the rhyme goes [as i know it]
'star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight
i wish i may, i wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight'

normally, if i see a star, and i KNOW it to be the first star i see, i make a wish.
but recently
i've been having this internal debate
because sometimes, if i don't know which star it was i saw first
i won't make a wish
and sometimes i think,
i won't make a wish because they are probably over burdened with wishes from everywhere
but then i wonder, if maybe it's offensive NOT to make a wish
that they NEED wishes.
yes, i said they.
maybe i have neil gaiman and stardust to blame for that
but if so, only a smidge
but anyway
thus the dilemma rages
so to quell it, at least temporarily
there are days i make serious wishes, and there are days that i make not so serious ones
not ridiculous, mind you
but. ones that, mean less.
i guess that would be the best way to put it.

and this, is what i mean.
who thinks like this?

i mean.
who spends that much time
debating on what is least likely to offend stars
when it comes to making wishes?



and i think
well. at least i don't hallucinate.
or do i??

one of my coworkers started hallucinating at work
beginning of the shift, fine
then came "sorry if i make any orders wrong, my vision is messed up"
an hour or so later "were you just back here? no? i think i'm seeing things..."
two thirds of the way through our shift "what is that fat b* doing with her pants down out there?" ...but there was no one outside
by the end of the shift? "there's a truckload of buffalo out there!"
those are just the main points.
needless to say, that last few hours i was just counting down the seconds until other people started showing up and my shift was over...

but the progression of him aware of hallucinating, to him not realizing what the hell he was saying?
i started to doubt my own reality.
for him to not realize that what he said made no sense
or that what he saw was just in his head
what if i was actually the one hallucinating?
what if i couldn't tell what was actually going on around me?
but this has gotta be one hell of a hallucination to be this long...